Ignorance Is Bliss
by Archer Ash
Summary: Kili knows. Kili knows that Bilbo knows. Kili knows that Bilbo knows that he knows. He knows and he wished he didn't know but he can't help but know and it hurts. warnings: not a happy oneshot. Bilbo/Thorin & Bilbo/Kili


Kili knows.

Kili knows that Bilbo knows.

Kili knows that Bilbo knows that he knows.

He knows and he wished he didn't know but he can't help but know and it _hurts._

But he knows there can be no other way.

* * *

He knows that Ori doesn't know.

Nor Nori nor Dori.

Nor Bifur nor Bombur nor Bofur.

Nor Oin or Gloin.

Nor Balin nor Dwalin.

Nor Fili.

Nor his Mother nor any person alive nor dead.

Most importantly Thorin doesn't know.

And that is why Kili is still alive.

* * *

It started out so innocently.

But then, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Kili and Fili, of course wanted to spend time with their burglar.

They wanted him to laugh, to smile, to belong.

But for Kili, this soon started to bleed into something more.

He remembers marveling at 'Mr. Boggins' hobbit hole and being amazed at how homely it had been. It was such an unfamiliar sight; the place being so warm and open. Kili had lived in many places over his young life but none had really felt like home. And wasn't it ironic that this simple hobbit had a domain as rich and inspiring as a kingdom but the actual prince had little more than the clothes on his back and the jewels in his braids.

He remembers his awe when he first saw Bilbo's hair lit up by the sun and how golden it had looked - more beautiful than the most precious golds. How he yearned to reach out and feel the silky locks.

He remembers his indignation when Bilbo said he had parasites, he believed Bilbo thought him dirty and beneath him. Because, Bilbo was the true King here with his charming ways and disarming smile.

He remembers his hobbit - butnothishobbitbutyet_his_hobbit - complain about his handkerchiefs and doilies and lack of places to wash and, he laughed.

He remembers Bilbo pushing Fili into a lake with him and stealing his clothes after and wasn't it brilliant when Bilbo laughed and laughed on the grass next to him watching Fili grow more and more red refusing to get out because a certain dwarf Fili had his eye on was watching bemused.

He remembers the hobbit's eyes light up in delight as they approached Rivendell and he wished it was him being the cause of such an expression.

He remembers his incredulity when Bilbo told him they were escaping the dungeons in a barrel of all things and he had laughed until his stomach ached, at the pure absurdity of the situation.

But that's not all he remembers.

He remembers another dwarf watching Bilbo.

And his heartache because how could he compare to his Uncle Thorin of all people?

It made him want to scream, to yell and rage because his Uncle could have anyone, be it Dwarf, Human, Hobbit or even Elf and yet he wanted Bilbo. But, the 'good' side of brain rebuked him because Bilbo was special and pure and of course, others would have noticed. And, Bilbo was more than worthy of a Prince.

He remembers when Bilbo had run in to save Uncle from being slaughtered. He remembered the hug after and how happy they had both looked. That was the moment when Kili felt part of himself break. Because he had found his one - had to because this was nothing he had ever felt before - only to have his beloved find his match in another. And, HOW IN MAHAL WAS THAT FAIR?

So, he did the noble thing and stepped to the sidelines. And if he noticed Bilbo's look of hurt when he no longer sat with him each evening, well, he chalked it up to the greater good.

* * *

But then the best and worst day of his life happened and what has been done can't be changed.

Uncle Thorin had found out that Bilbo had handed over the arkenstone, like the true burglar that he was - because he had got very good at stealing now and Kili didn't think his heart would ever be returned - and he had been banished.

He snuck out the same night to the bottom of the mountain where he knew Bilbo would head and found him in a tavern drunk out of his mind. The anguish on his face tore at Kili like the sharpest of knives. So, Kili did what he did best and plastered on his smile and bought a round of drinks.

Three rounds later and they were both sloshed. He dragged a now laughing Bilbo onto a small dancefloor and they started swaying unevenly.

"I love him you know."

The words are so heartfelt and sincere that Kili can't bear it. Can't bear the pain that his Uncle has caused - to him and to Bilbo.

Mahal, he is utterly powerless to resist, can't resist any more when Bilbo plants a kiss on his cheek and he just can't help but lean down and kiss him, kiss away all the pain he's feeling. It lasts all of five seconds before he pulled back ashamed and disgusted with himself.

He watched Bilbo's startled face and knew of course that he wasn't enough, not even all the similarities between him and Uncle are enough. Bilbo's face is still a mask of shock and Kili's about to hyperventilate before Bilbo's face morphs into a sad smile. Because he understands now why Kili's been avoiding him so studiously and he knows how that pain feels.

Which is partly why, Bilbo reaches his hand up to stroke Kili's face and says those three magic words.

"Please, one night."

One night to help soothe all those wounds that have been festering and all the emotional damage that has been caused because Bilbo would be blind to ignore that he likes Kili but it's not enough, he doesn't hold a candle to how he feels for _him. _But for now, he pushes those thoughts aside.

And, he tugs Kili down softly into another kiss and another… and it was just perfect.

(The next time they would see one another would be near ten months later).

* * *

Kili doesn't remember much of the battle.

He remembers finding Fili and seeing him fight alongside Nori.

He remembers a mighty orc about to run Uncle Thorin through and immediately leaping in the way because he is just the spare and Thorin deserves to live, to be King, no matter how much he has hurt Bilbo. The feeling of pain is instantaneous and more excruciating than anything he has ever felt before.

He remembers Thorin's face swimming in and out of focus.

And, the rest is a blur.

* * *

He wakes up nine and a half months later, apparently having been in a coma.

His body aches and he falls over when he attempts to walk, his muscles uncooperative after months of not being used.

Fili is the first person he sees and he's overjoyed that his brother has lived, is living and appears well.

Fili tells him that the entire company has survived and that Uncle Thorin is now King and Erebor is being restored and that mother is here and did you know Ma and Dwalin have something going on!? He also hears how Thorin has claimed Bilbo as his consort and that Bilbo was with child and that he gave birth not four days ago so now there's another member in the line of Durin.

Kili faints as his brain starts comprehending the fact that Bilbo was with _child_. And said child has just been_ born_. Fili stares down at his brother and chalks it up to the fact that his brother is shocked at Ma and Dwalin. He doesn't blame him.

* * *

Dozens of people visit Kili over the next few days, but Bilbo was the second one to visit after Fili.

Kili sees abstractly that Bilbo is looking well and is wearing fine clothes, lined with gems that complement his eyes magnificently. But what Kili takes note of is the babe in Bilbo's arms.

It's a girl. A little baby girl called Willow.

Bilbo passes her over hesitantly like this is a test and it is but Kili doesn't think of that at first because he's too awestruck at the fact that she - Willow has just opened her eyes and they're the most familiar colour of brown he's ever seen. She's so small, smaller than any child Kili has ever seen.

And, as she's passed over to Kili to cradle, he gasps and so does the babe and every nerve is being lit up and filled with warmth and happiness because this is his child, he knows, and so does she and she smiles up at him and the feeling is indescribable. The happiness is flooding through him and to Willow and back in a constant cycle.

He feels like he's in slow motion and can't focus on anything but this precious babe in his arms.

Some seconds or minutes later, he glances up at Bilbo and is slowly snapped out of this overwhelming feeling when he sees the paleness in Bilbo's face.

There are no words needed to explain, Kili can see it all vividly.

Of course, Thorin wouldn't feel the sensation of holding your child for the first time and knowing that the child was yours because this wasn't his child. But, he knew his Uncle and everyone else would think that because Willow was half hobbit, then this dwarf paternity gene wouldn't be active.

Oh, little did they know.

Glancing down at Willow, he took note of her hobbit ears, her dark hair and eyes that screamed of the Durin Line.

He didn't know what to do. This was _his daughter with Bilbo._

It was everything he had dreamed of and more.

But... seeing the look of anguish again on his hobbit's face, he knew what must be done.

For the sake of Bilbo and for Willow and for himself; for committing the ultimate sin by coveting and seducing another man's dwarf (hobbit).

He sighed wearily and felt much older than his years.

Grimacing sadly, he reached up to Bilbo to pull him down on the bed.

"You know and I know and so does Willow." He couldn't acknowledge her as his daughter, not with what he was about to say.

Staring at Bilbo's guilt ridden face, he stroked it softly and with his voice cracking slightly said: "I understand what must, what must be done."

"What a beautiful cousin I have. I'll be fending off the other dwarrows when she's older."

And he could see that Bilbo understood what he was saying.

* * *

It still hurt, hurt so much even after all these years, when Willow called Uncle Thorin 'Dad'.

He wanted to scream out that she was his child, his beauty, his flesh and blood.

Over the years, Kili thought himself immune to the gold sickness, he thought the events with the Arkenstone had proved that, but it seemed his possessiveness had manifested in another form. However, quashing impulse was something he was more skilled in by a ten-fold after what happened when he'd last succumbed to his true feelings.

At least he was still her 'cousin' which made things unutterably better and yet, somehow much worse.

He had watched her grow up and played with her and, bailed her out of trouble because she was always getting into mischief and he had been the best cousin anyone could wish for.

And, everyone seemed to be living happily.

Bilbo and Thorin were still together in their old age; Bilbo's once golden-brown hair was now flecked with grey.

Willow, she was happy and, that was all he wished for.

He was still alive - nobody had found out the truth.

Although, he still froze whenever anyone mentioned who Willow looked like.

If Bilbo was around, he would sub-consciously lock eyes with Bilbo when people mentioned why she had such a sparse beard. Immediately, Bilbo leapt to the defence that no female hobbits had beards and she was fortunate to get stubble at all. What most people didn't know is that Kili's father and father before him had only the slightest dusting of hair on their chins - he suspected a human ancestor somewhere along the line - so really, Willow was perfectly normal for a dwobbit thank you very much!

And of course, nobody could deny that Willow was half-dwarf, with her stature and strength and dark looks that run in the Durin line. In fact, people would often mention how like Thorin she was. But if people knew the Durin family well, they would notice the exact similarities in Willow's eye colour and nose length and jaw shape as Kili. And they would marvel and say they looked like siblings, as much in physical traits as he and Fili shared personality wise.

He sometimes suspected that his Mother or Fili had guessed that Thorin wasn't her biological father but that another Durin was when Willow went about shooting arrows and pulling prank after prank. Though, they seemed to shake off those brief thoughts and blame it on the amount of time Kili spent with her.

* * *

One thing Thorin Oakenshield never understood about his youngest nephew was his reluctance to find a mate. (If only he knew that his heart had been stolen long ago by the most infamous burglar to ever have walked in Erebor).

One thing Fili Durin never understood about his younger brother was his refusal to go to the pubs and taverns and get drunk. (Fili didn't know that Kili was scared of losing control - especially with Bilbo around - and destroying the walls he had so carefully built).

One thing Dis Durin never understood about her youngest son was his reticence to spend time with his Uncle in the months after he was recovering. (She seemed to blame it on the fact that he had been injured so grievously but the truth was Kili couldn't bear to see Thorin's joy radiating from every pore, when he had everything he himself wished for).

One thing Ori of Ri never understood about his friend was his apparent hatred of the library and all the books contained there. (Oh, Ori, if only you knew knowledge is a terrible, terrible thing and once you know something, you can't forget).

One thing Kili Durin understood was that love was a treacherous thing and in the end, you were all alone with naught but your arrows to rely on alone.


End file.
